Mouthful of Koryn

Some nights are worse than others.

And I am trying to choose growth over company,

But the loneliness is almost too much to bear.

I can be in a room full of people I love and I will still feel like I am holding the world on my shoulders,

I hope that one day I will have the strength to lay it down

______________________

I know being sad pushes people away

I know people prefer the good days,

Which makes me ashamed of my bad ones.

I feel like I will always think they’re better off.

______________________

For years,

I denied my own feelings to make everyone feel comfortable,

But the people you lose from setting healthy boundaries are only meant to be with the unhealthy doormat version of you

This is not your loss, or your burden

They are usually abusers, boundary invaders, bullies, one-sided draining relationships, manipulators or narcissists.

And I know, that it is so painfully hard, to let go of the people you love because it can all be so simple, it feels like.

It feels like it is so simple to just think about how what you say or do can affect someone else, yet no one else does it for you.

But you release attachment by seeing the perfection in what is here now.

Being concerned with what you think should have happened is just a game your mind is playing to distract you from what is presently available and your inherent freedom.

______________________

I started to believe that what we believe is what we experience,

If we believe the miraculous is not real, then we will never accept it when we see it, and if we believe that we are limited in what we can do, accomplish, and become, then we will always live within the confines of our imagination

BUT

If we do believe miraculous is real,

Then we will train ourselves to see and be thankful for the little miracles that unfold in each day,

If we believe we are limitless, then we will see anything we imagine is possible.

______________________

On March 20th, 2020,

I made a decision that changed my life forever

It has been 549 days,

And here is what I would’ve missed if it had been successful.

______________________

I would’ve missed my 19th birthday.

I would’ve missed Leah and I getting approved for our first apartment,

And our puppy, Milo.

I would’ve missed the better relationship I have with my mom,

And my step dad telling me he loved me for the first time.

I would’ve missed getting hired at my job, and being given a promotion,

Of my older brother finally feeling genuinely happy,

And my other one, getting his license, and his first job.

Leah and I getting approved for our second and present apartment,

Going on my first picnic date.

I would’ve missed my 20th,

And going skydiving.

______________________

There are 13,176 hours,

790,560 minutes

And 47,433,600 seconds

In 549 days

And that alone, is not enough time to list the countless things I would have missed if it was successful.

______________________

Be clear about what brought you here, and what you hope to find

And embrace the possibility,

That you might change your mind.