Mouthful of Koryn

Hello,

I am not doing too well.

I am starting to think I would make a really pretty sky.

______________________

It’s been 1,393 days since you’ve left.

You told me to lay down until I feel better,

But its been a day,

Now, two.

A week.

A month.

Two months.

Two years.

Four.

How much longer until I will feel better?

______________________

I found one of his shirts at the bottom of my laundry today,

It still smelt just like him.

I couldn’t do anything but cry.

I told him what would hurt me,

And he did it so well.

I let him get the best of me.

He is seeing other people,

Acting like I never existed.

I’m always told eventually I’ll grow,

But he’s happier and it’s unfair.

He has his own life,

But mine is paused until I hear from him next.

______________________

Depression for me is not being sad, or angry,

I feel nothing,

I feel empty, numb.

And these feelings take up residency in my heart.

And every night that I crawl into bed,

This nightmare is casted onto my eyelids and projected on these four walls the moment I open them.

I am scared for the day that I check on him and another girl is where I should be.

I wish I could look at him and see nothing,

But I look for him in everyone I meet.

I will never be able to let go of him until I hate him,

And it makes me hate myself.

It is so exhausting loving him because all he ever does is break me into bits and pieces of who I once was and I don’t even know if I ever even liked myself.

Why did I spend so much time helping him out of his dark place,

Just for him to put me in mine?

______________________

I sat on the shower floor for the first time again,

And as I brought my knees to my chest, I realized

I don’t know how I ever let it get this bad.

Being with him feels like I left my straightener plugged in and I’m far from home

It is just constant obsession over anxiety wondering if I’m going to burn my house down

And I’m so sick of taking pictures just to remind myself I unplugged it when I’m always going to feel like I didn’t

I don’t want to feel this way anymore

I just don’t have it in me.

I want to feel safe,

I want to feel loved.

But it’s just so empty of me to be so full of him.

______________________

I wasn’t always like this,

But it’s been so long,

I am not sure I remember what I was like before.

I just know I don’t want to be her again,

I can’t.

But healing from this is entirely impossible.

______________________

Why did I deserve the worst parts of him, Koryn?

Do I?

Deserve it?

His absence is making room for more reasons on why I am not enough.

I feel like he is trying to replace me,

While I’m trying to heal from him.

But he doesn’t know how to love,

And in these four years,

He never even knew how to love me,

I just wish he wanted to learn.

Please, tell me that he will eventually want to learn?

Sincerely,

You.