Mouthful of Koryn

A few days ago,

I reached out to someone that I was best friends with back when we were six,

Maybe seven, years old.

I had seen a photo of him pushing a pink and black stroller,

With a baby girl inside.

He was crouched over, a bit closer for her to lock eyes – He had the biggest smile I had ever seen,

And she was smiling right back.

Not that my immediate reaction was; “no way, I don’t remember seeing him say that he was having a baby.”

But I double checked.

When I saw her laying in her bed at the hospital,

Captioned: “She’s here.”

I wanted to cry.

We are both 22,

But we were little kids just yesterday.

______________________

I stopped myself before a tear was able to run down my cheek,

It wasn’t because I was sad,

I was really happy for him. I let him know that time seemed to have flown by but that he is destined to be a great father – which I truly, and wholeheartedly believe.

He agreed, and even mentioned thinking about me the other day, and us, celebrating my birthday.

I didn’t respond, I don’t think I really needed to, I reacted to his message and moved on

Like we’ve been doing, with our lives.

It wasn’t because I was sad,

It was because I have Chronophobia.

A fear of losing time.

______________________

I am not sure when it happened,

There was a moment in time that I had believed I wanted to die;

But now I fear my own mortality.

______________________

Just yesterday I was 17 and in love,

But tomorrow seems to already be in my past.

______________________

I know comparison is the thief of joy,

I know no life is like my own.

But I obsess over time,

And I worry my days are limited.

I envy seeing others build their lives with who they love,

But you continue to ask me to wait

Just a little bit longer

I’m not sure you have enough time

______________________

I never thought I would say goodbye to you,

But you have made it clear to me,

Time and time again

That you can’t give me the love I deserve.

You told me you didn’t have time for me and that I deserved better,

And for once in my life, I am going to believe you.

I want to call you,

I want to see you and pretend like the future doesn’t matter.

But the future does matter,

Because I matter,

And my heart matters,

And my future matters.

I always used to think I could never love anyone this much,

And that I will never love anyone as much as I have loved you

But I realize now,

That my ability to love didn’t come from you,

It came from me.

I have always been a lover,

And just because I had to let you go,

Doesn’t mean it is gone.

You did not give me the capacity to love,

You just gave me a place to express it.

______________________

I don’t really know what my future holds,

Or if I will ever find someone that will truly see me.

But I do know that I need to continue to love myself,

And continue to show up for myself.

And even if it takes me another five years,

The time is going to pass anyways.