Mouthful of Koryn

I drove passed your house today,

I used to live there.

My bedroom was down the hall, to the right, next to the garage, on your left.

I used to play in that yard, my brothers and I had a trampoline.

My uncle broke it.

Most of my friends and family that have been in that house are no longer around. I felt my first heart break in between those walls.

It’s repainted now, and I can no longer go inside, but I know each and every corner.

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I don’t really remember the ages up to five,

But I remember being six.

My father kissed my cheek as I heard the words, “time to say goodbye.”

I remember always screaming for my father to not leave.

I always missed him,

So much.

I still do.

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The ages seven to ten,

Parts of me died in that house,

I revisit them in my dreams.

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I have felt permanently guilty since I was eleven,

But I wish I was still twelve years old, and nothing bad had happened to me yet.

When I was thirteen, my brother caught someone looking through my window.

I told our bishop I didn’t believe in God anymore,

That I don’t believe in my father anymore either;

And how he always asks me why I am so angry,

He does not understand I have learned it all from him.

He thinks I am full of rage,

But I am full of grief.

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That same year, my teacher had written me a letter on my last day, to wish me luck in high school. She told me she worried about my hurry to grow up. I closed my eyes and brushed it off but then all of a sudden I opened them and it was May of 2019 and I was eighteen.

Where is the girl that I was last year?

Five years ago?

What would she think of me now?

Five more years have almost passed by again

I look at photos of you and I’m trying to find my way back to you

I needed to be somewhere different.

I think I needed to be someone different, too.

I look in this God forsaken mirror and see every version of myself, wondering how much uglier I could get.

I know you feel like you’re in a long dream of wishing to be beautiful,

I did too.

I’ve been every single age you have been and all time does is pass and they say as time goes on you forget,

But as time goes on I remember.

I think about the day that I won’t.

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Today, I remember you,

But it’s weird to think that I most likely won’t as we get older.

I won’t remember how I wrote you today,

And today will join my long list of yesterdays,

Tomorrow I will start again. The temporary can be so comforting.

I won’t feel this forever.

But what if I want to remember everything forever?

How can I abandon the person that I once was?

I can’t.

I will carry you.

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I remember how I was told you’re on your own kid,

You always have been.

But you aren’t a terrible person,

You’re just thirteen.

Never in my entire childhood did I feel like one. I felt like a person – The same person I am today.

I worry about your hurry to grow up, you have so much time to be old.

Don’t rush the only time you have left to be a kid.

Take advantage of every minute.

Make good life choices because these choices will live with you forever.

Always remember that I believe in you.

And “if I could have done it all again, I would have loved you better.

But I could not have loved you more.”

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I hope you remember me.

You changed me… you should remember me.