Mouthful of Koryn

Never have I dealt with anything more difficult than my own soul

I hope someday when I am gone, 

Someone, somewhere,

Picks up my soul off of these pages and thinks,

I would have loved her

______________________

How terrible is it to be called beautiful, smart, and strong, but end up alone every night

 I don’t love me, 

That’s how I understand why no one else does either.

I am not who I was a year ago, and I don’t know who I am now

I can’t piece any of it together, I just have to hope this is the right place to be.

______________________

It would be too easy to say that I feel invisible

I feel entirely visible

And entirely ignored. 

The constant feeling of thinking being gone wouldn’t make a difference

I’m not in your everyday life, 

What will you really lose, if I leave?

Feeling the need to be busy all the time is my fear based distraction from what I would be forced to feel and acknowledge if I slowed down

But if I slow down, I trigger my constant fear of never amounting to anything in life

When my time is up, have I done enough? 

Will they tell my story?

______________________

Imagine this,

Imagine if one day you started to lose both your sense of taste and ability to feel full.

You don’t know why, but now everything you eat tastes bitter, and nothing you eat is satisfying. 

You keep eating because you need to eat to stay alive, but the effort that it takes to prepare food is exhausting, there is no reward.

You just know it’ll taste bitter. You just know you will still feel hungry.

So you stop bothering with seasonings, and ingredients you used to like.

Then you start to wonder what the point of eating is.

You still feel hungry, you’re sick of the taste and you don’t know if you’ll ever enjoy food again and you don’t know or understand why this is happening to you.

Please don’t ask if I’ve tried spicing up my food, tried different ingredients, or tried eating the food I used to love.

The reason I stopped doing all of that in the first place is because

Everything…

Tasted….

Bitter.

______________________

This has changed me into something I never meant to be

It has transformed me into a person I do not recognize

And I don’t know where to go

How can I go home 

When I no longer know where that is?