Mouthful of Koryn

I used to have really bad anxiety as a kid.

So bad, that I used to wake my mom up at 3am every other night,

Screaming, in tears.

I always had to make sure everyone in the house was still alive.

I didn’t really even have that bad of a childhood,

But I always believed that I have just loved so deeply and always feared that I was going to lose the people I love or that they were going to abandon me.

______________________

My mom and dad broke up shortly after I was born,

My fathers job was constant travel, when he already lived in another state.

My time with him was always limited;

And when the time came,

I was so used to crying and begging him not to go,

That it became habit;

And I grew up begging people not to leave, but being used to when they always did, anyway.

My abandonment issues are co-dependent on my need to please people,

I believe that when I upset someone, I am a bad person or have done something wrong.

My heart just cannot take it.

And I’ve written about it before,

How I will take the bulk of responsibility in hopes that I can somehow make it my fault, so I can say I’m sorry, in hopes they will stay.

I tolerate behavior that is hurtful and I tell myself that people don’t mean it.

I always look deeper into why people do certain things,

And when I understand why they do it, I hate it more.

Because understanding them makes me forgive things that I shouldn’t and I am treated like a doormat.

But I get it,

I really do.

But realizing that I allow hurtful behavior because I was constantly told over,

And over,

And over again,

That my father loves me despite the way he treated me,

I am used to always forgiving,

In hopes they change.

______________________

It’s hard for me to make new friends.

I struggle to be present and I am always more focused on making sure everyone likes me or is comfortable.

I find myself constantly apologizing even if I know deep down I didn’t cause the issue.

People bump into me at the store and I find myself being the one who apologizes,

Because I always feel like I’m in everyone’s way.

Or when I’m being yelled at and I apologize for making them so angry that they felt like they had to raise their voice.

I struggle to say no and often give long explanations to relieve my own guilt,

But long explanations are often appointed to lying.

But the thought of saying no fills my body with angst and I feel afraid.

______________________

I feel so much resentment,

And like my relationships are always one sided,

Because I often feel like I am giving more than I will ever receive.

People pleasing is a conditioned behavior that I learned as a child,

It’s common in homes without boundaries.

Where being liked and accepted was more important than my own needs.

I was always compared to other people growing up,

I made a lot of mistakes, and no matter how far I came from them,

Someone was always doing better.

Whilst I was correcting my behavior, and always told I should’ve done it that way the first time.

When we’re people pleasing we’re within an evolutionary nervous system response called: Fawn.

Fawn is when we appease others in order to avoid threats or danger,

I have learned to fawn because if I didn’t, I would experience emotional abuse or shame,

And I continue to have a fear of abandonment because I consistently abandon myself in order to convince others that I am worthy of not being abandoned.

______________________

I remember being told that girls tend to love people like their fathers,

And I used to ask myself,

“Why?”

And wonder,

“How was it that I could only ever love people,

Who barely made an effort?”

But then I remember that even with tears in my eyes,

As I told him I loved him,

He still left.

I loved people who reminded me of him.

I continued to love people who reminded me of him for the first 20 years of my life,

And because of his infidelity,

I continued to love people,

Even when there was another woman.

______________________

My hurt didn’t make me stronger,

It made me a people pleaser.

It made it impossible for me to give up on people,

It made me exhaustingly empathetic,

It made me consistently taking responsibility for everyone else’s problems even if I didn’t cause them,

And it made me only able to feel anything in extremes.

I mistake healthy relationships as boring, and unexciting

I am just so used to the chaos and turbulence of toxic relationships.

______________________

I don’t want to love people like you anymore, Dad.

Because I don’t know if I even love you anymore.

I don’t know you, I don’t think I ever did;

And there is more to life than someone who does not love me.