Mouthful of Koryn

i have spent so much of my life,

apologizing for things i cannot change.

like the way my heart feels too much,

or the way i never quite fit into my own name.

i look at myself like something unfinished,

unclear.

like a version of me,

that was never meant to be here.

like i was shaped into someone that i don’t understand,

a stranger that i’m forced to hold into my own hands.

i don’t know who i am,

not in the way people think that i do,

i play the part so well

that even they believe it’s true.

i smile like i’m certain,

like i’ve figured it out,

but inside i am nothing but questions,

and full of doubt.

no hobbies to name, no passions i keep,

just pieces of everything i couldn’t commit to,

or be.

i was interested in everything,

committed to none,

started a thousand versions of me,

and finished not one.

and maybe that’s why love never seems to stay,

because how can someone choose me

when i don’t know who i am

anyway?

i don’t know how to be anyone else,

and i don’t know how to love the person i’ve become.

so i stay here,

caught between who i am

and who i should be,

still apologizing for a version of me

i don’t know how to be.

and God, it is me…

i’m sorry that it’s me,

the one i am

is not the one i’m meant to be.

it is i, but not who i thought that i could become,

just a version of myself i’ve never learned to outrun.

God, I don’t know who i’m supposed to be,

i am just so sorry

so sorry,

for being me.