Mouthful of Koryn

I once read something somewhere that said,

“I’ve always thought there was something romantic about having to fight for someone and win them back.

But as I sit here,

Grieving someone who is still alive,

I realize there is nothing romantic about having to continuously try to convince somebody to love you.”

______________________

I remember being trapped inside a car with you for six hours,

Crying.

Not even a foot away, in the passenger seat, next to someone I wanted to be with so badly

Trying to explain to you why what you did was wrong, and begging you to please not do it again

Even though this was not the first time,

Or the second,

Or the third.

I don’t know if you remember that,

But it is one of the many things that haunt me when I start to miss you.

______________________

“Change doesn’t happen over night” is one of the biggest lies told to someone who is fighting for progress.

Bailouts come faster than stimulus checks, bombs quicker than food, arrests quicker than releases,

It’s just a lie I can no longer tolerate.

Although this is about a heart break,

One day I just woke up and realized that being miserable is the easier thing to do.

I need to fight for my joy.

______________________

I no longer want to compare myself to other girls who got your attention.

“Why not me?

What does she have that I don’t?

Was I not enough?

Too much?

Does her body attract you?

What do you think when you see her?

What do you think when you see me?

Why her,

Why not me?”

______________________

As the days, months, and years go by,

I’ve finally come to believe that you loved me.

And I know that you still love me.

But when I am heart broken,

My mind does everything in its power to make me believe that I was and never will,

Be loved.

I go back and forth and I tell everyone around me that I know you’ll regret it, I know I was the best thing to have ever happened to you,

And maybe that’s true.

But when I am alone,

I start to think,

‘Well, if I was the best thing to have ever happened to him, he wouldn’t have left. He would’ve fought to the ends of the earth to keep me.’

But some people just don’t know how.

______________________

A lot of people try to tell me that you didn’t love me,

How you said you loved me, but it wasn’t actually love.

Because if you really loved me like you said you did, you wouldn’t have done all of those things to me.

But you did love me,

And you do.

At least as much as you are capable.

______________________

People love differently,

It took me a long time to accept that.

But just because it isn’t the way that I wanted to be loved,

Doesn’t mean that it isn’t.

You loved me based off of your love languages,

Just like I loved you, off of mine.

I used to think that my love languages consisted of mainly acts of service, and physical touch

But after you left,

I realized,

It was only acts of service because I didn’t think that my presence was enough to make you stay,

And physical touch,

Because I only felt like you loved me when you could reach me.

But I only felt happy when you were happy,

Which was limited.

But I stayed because I knew that when you blew up,

You would be nice again,

And I would feel a sense of relief once you were.

But I also knew that if I left,

For good this time,

I would be hit with all of that same pain,

with none of that relief that followed,

And I believed that leaving would hurt way more than staying.

You loved me,

But not in the way that I deserved.

______________________

This may seem like I am just making up excuses to justify the way you treated me,

For a long time I believed that forgiving you meant that you got away with it,

I held onto it, even if it hurt.

Because “what is grief, if not love preserving?”

But the forgiveness wasn’t for you,

It was for me.

I needed to forgive myself,

Because I knew better.

______________________

There is this misconception that you shouldn’t have to teach someone on how to love you,

But no one knows how to love you without learning.

But if someone doesn’t want to learn, you can’t force them, it just doesn’t work that way.

You can’t keep giving someone more of what they already don’t appreciate.

And I don’t want a love that you fight for anymore,

I want a love that feels safe.

Not love that I have to earn,

Beg for.

I want to be loved as a choice, and on purpose.

Not as a reward.

Love is not a burning red to me anymore,

It is daylight.

______________________

I waited for you,

Gave you space,

Put your needs over mine,

Validated your feelings, and gave you unconditional love,

So you were happy.

I gave you everything that I was,

But you can keep it.

Because who I was when I was with you,

Is not who I am today.

______________________

I love you,

And I don’t know if I’ve moved on.

But I am no longer where you left me.